It's been too long..

I have been keeping a "journal" since I was about 14 years old.  I put journal in quote marks because by no means is it a logical, coherent journal.  It is only bits and pieces of my life in several notebooks I have. Included inside are scribbles, doodles, lists, and other little reminders of events I totally forgot about until re-reading what I wrote several years later.


I've also created several blogs over the past 7 years or so, but never continuosly wrote in them.  I can't even remember what the sites were, or my log in  names so, I guess they are better left forgotten!  Now I feel I really need to start this blog. I think it will be the best way for me to keep a pretty consistent journal, and hopefully give me a way to channel all the energy I have stored inside of me.


I guess with that statement, I can go into why I feel I need to start writing again.  Since I turned 18, I feel that my life has been a perpetual roller coaster full of ups and downs that leave me feeling so scattered and lost. It all started when I left my comfort zone in Connecticut  for college, and had to really figure out who I was.  I only went like 7 hours South to Washington, D.C. but it was SUCH a different kind of life than my little valley life was.  I know that sounds a little whiney, and maybe it is, but I lost like 90% of my confidence that first few months I was at college.  I didn't know who I was, and couldn't figure out why I always felt so lost.  I really suffered that first year of college.  I found some peace after finding someone I could relate to, but it didn't last for long....


Well, my sophomore year at college, I was lucky enough to get into a psychology research internship in Oregon for the summer. My father kept pressuring me to get an internship somewhere (he wanted me to do an internship at an insurance company even though I was studying psychology at school), and so instead of taking his advice I found my own internship.  I found  the internship in Oregon, and told myself I HAD TO GO THERE.  I knew I was going to get in, there wasn't a doubt in my mind.  In retrospect, I know my soul knew something my conscious mind didn't....


I for sure had a spiritual awakening that summer in Oregon.  I can't even begin to explain to you how much changed in my life from that moment on.  For the first time in my entire life, everything made sense. And from then on, I have been following this so called path I found in Oregon to where I am now.  Trusting my inner voice more, and following my heart instead of my mind.  After that summer, I finally felt I was on the right path again.  And what path is that?


It's the path of service.  The path of giving.  The path of giving back to others.  The path of bringing the love and light that our Earth so desperately needs at this critical point in time....2012 anyone? :)


Anyways, I find what I will write about now to be pretty relevant to what I stated above. I follow a brilliant psychiatrist on facebook, and she posted this onto her page...


"Many of us have spent a lifetime trying to be what we’re not...We hide our differences when, by accepting & celebrating them, we could make every effort more exciting, productive, enjoyable, & powerful."


and to this I replied....

"I was litereally JUST thinking about this! I used to get really angry at myself for not being motivated enough to stick to some kind of hobby. Seriously--I did dance, ceramics, jewelery making, yoga, and so many others but I always ended up stopping them somewhere down the line. Now, I don't try to force myself to do anything. Everyday if I feel like dancing, I will--even if it isn't in a structured dance class. Same with yoga! I like to try something new everyday, my personality is not structure for a rigid life. It works for so many people I know...but it is not for me :) "


Looking back on this I realized how far I've come in the past 5 years of my life.  I feel I have really found the way I work, and I no longer fight my non conventional approach to life.  I may end up not having much money, or materialistic possessions, but at least I will find joy and happiness from within myself.


I will post much more in the future.  I am just getting started.  I will include my personal journals I have saved over the past, and many of the thoughts I have running through my mind.  Many of us our tortured by our own mind, and the demons that live in them. TRUST ME...I WOULD KNOW!!!  I hope I can offer help to at least one person in life.  That is my only goal in right now. :) I am not a trained therapist, or psychiatrist, but after being in classes with many up and coming therapists, I think I can offer much better advice than their word for word training they will spit at you for $200.00 a session. 


xx <3